One of my 4-year-old’s favorite activities of late is getting my 2-year old dressed. All I want to know is the formula that gets worked out in a 4-year-old’s brain when choosing clothing. As far as I can tell, it goes something like this:

Bright, Bold, Patterned Color + Opposite Bright, Bold, Patterned Color = Masterpiece

But I don’t worry…I’ll teach that kid to conform yet. In the meantime, we are certainly a sight to see. Step aside Abercrombie.

I often say things I regret. It generally happens in one of three ways: Either I’m trying to be funny and I end up saying something inappropriate or I feel strongly about something and let my emotions rule my mouth (after all, I think, I can’t help what I feel…) or I’m talking to my husband (the one with whom I am one) and somehow think anything goes.

Not cool, says James.

We all make many mistakes, but those who control their tongues can also control themselves in every other way.
James 3:2

So THAT’S my problem…well, one of them anyway.

So I’m playin’ softball again this summer in a community league. It’s always interesting.

We had our first practice last night. I’m pitching again, which I enjoy, but let me tell ya, that ball comes fast on occasion. Like it did last night. A grounder, traveling at a nice, dangerous speed, comes straight toward me. I have just enough time to squat, put my glove to the ground and just as I’m about to scoop that baby up, it hits an unexpected bump in the road and nails me in the face.

It was my chin that found itself in the way of said ball. Could’ve been worse…my nose, my eye, my teeth, etc. I’ve got a nice battle scar to prove my dedication, which I rather like, I have to say. It bodes well for my feelings of athletic prowess. (Never mind that it looks like a hickey.) The pain I’m not so fond of, but hey, no pain, no gain.

Anyway, I got to thinking…Isn’t that the way it goes? You’re goin’ about your business, doin’ your thing, thinkin’ things are fully under control, ready for what seems to be comin’ next, but then there’s an unexpected bump in the road and BAM, life smacks you in the face. No, not my idea of fun.

Wisdom is not primarily knowing the truth, although it certainly includes that; it is skill in living.
Eugene Peterson in The Message

Skill in living. That’s deep. Who do I know that’s skilled in living? What does being skilled in living look like? And the real kicker, Am I skilled in living?

If you are wise and understand God’s ways, live a life of steady goodness so that only good deeds will pour forth.
James 3:13, NLT

Live a life of steady goodness so that only good deeds pour forth. Steady goodness? Only good deeds? Alright, clearly I have not mastered skill in living.

I can know the right thing but if I don’t actually do it, I haven’t practiced wisdom at all. Wisdom is not in the knowing but in the doing.

It’s 5 am. I’m slightly annoyed by that.

I was minding my own business, sleeping peacefully, when I rolled over and woke up just enough to notice that my husband is not in bed. This is not unusual. He’s downstairs hanging out with God. He always gets up early although he’s not usually up during the 4 o’clock hour. But occasionally God wakes him up earlier than normal. Today must be one of those days.

So when I woke up ever so slightly, noticed he was gone, glanced at the clock and saw that it was not yet 5:00, I was relieved because it meant I still had over an hour and a half yet to sleep before those little munchkins of mine wake up. Phew.

Then the thought entered my mind (which is highly unusual at this hour), that I’m glad God’s preferred time to speak to me is not at such forsaken times of the day. Thanks, Lord, for not waking me up so early, I pray sincerely but with a smile. Well, therein lies my problem.

Instantly I am unable to sleep. I am bombarded with thoughts of our neighbors across the street. Their daughter and granddaughter recently moved in with them after things with the baby’s father didn’t work out. Their daughter works two jobs and asked me a few weeks ago if I would watch her baby during the day–she knows I stay home with my kids. I agreed to do it “on occasion” I said, but that I couldn’t commit long-term.

I have to admit, the bottom line is that I didn’t want to be bothered. I was happy with the groove I was in with my own kids and I didn’t want to upset the apple cart, so to speak. I like my routines, you know.

So since then, I see people comin’ and goin’ every day over there. Someone comes to pick the baby up, another comes to drop her off. I know it must be a scheduling nightmare. And all the while, I sit calmly in my front yard, watching my kids play nicely. And I know it would not be hard to add another to the mix. And think of the potential relief it would offer the baby’s mother…not to mention the baby. Oh how selfish of me.

I battle. On the one hand I feel overwhelming compassion for that little life that desperately needs some stability and her mother who is obviously hurting so. On the other hand, there is some legitimacy in me not taking on another responsibility because I am overextended as it is.

But about a week ago I told God I’d do it if He made it clear I should. Seems pretty clear. I wonder if 5 am has anything to do with that?

If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times: Why would I want to become a Christian and have to live by so many rules?

Well, my friend, because those rules are what gives you freedom and you’ll be blessed to boot.

What?

Consider the verse from James 1:25,

But if you keep looking steadily into God’s perfect law–the law that sets you free–and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for it. (NLT)

It seems counterintuitive doesn’t it? A law that gives freedom?

Here’s an analogy. Imagine life without traffic laws. The roads would be utter chaos. (I got a small taste of this while living in Kenya–those drivers are nuts.)

While it might be nice to ignore red lights when you’re running late, drive on sidewalks when the guy in front of you has stalled in the middle of the road or drive 150 mph so you can cut your commute time in half, could you imagine what it would be like if everyone was driving this way?

No one would venture out. We’d be risking your lives each time we stepped out our front doors. We’d become a world of hermits, isolated in our own homes with little or no face-to-face contact, unable to enjoy creation around us or see the world, stuck with trying to figure out how to meet our basic needs completely on our own. We’d be isolated, depressed, stir crazy, lonely and living in constant fear.

No thanks.

Yet isn’t this exactly what’s happening in the spiritual realm? We want to be able to do our own thing and we so often forget about the consequences. Or, everyone else around us is doing it so we assume it’s OK. We know what we want (or do we?), we want it now and we go to great lengths to get it, no matter how we hurt ourselves or others in the process. We’ve got a total disregard for the One who made us and the way He intended us to live and then we wonder why life is not very fulfilling but full of heartache and pain instead.

No, freedom and blessing sound good to me. I guess those rules aren’t so bad after all.

I am the victim of a very random thought on occassion. So as I was standing in the shower this morning, it occurred to me that the title of this blog, WithPurpose :: Not Your Typical Pastor’s Wife might be a bit ambiguous. It could be interpreted as me saying “Hey, I’ve got purpose…unlike other pastors’ wives.” As a precaution, let me state for the record that that’s not the case. I love you all. Lord knows we’ve got to stick together.

The last two days have not been particularly stellar for my husband and me. It started with a small argument, which we seemed to resolve after a lengthy discussion but has since flared up several times like a fire that just won’t die. I think we’ve finally snuffed it out for good, but geez, what a process! I am positively all talked out.

When things like this happen and when we finally get to the root of it, the core problem is never a surprise. The circumstances usually vary, but the bottom line rarely does. In a nutshell, I want to feel cherished and he wants to feel believed in. If I’m not feeling cherished or he’s not feeling believed in, it usually leads to an argument somewhere.

The funny thing is, it’s a theme we encounter not only in ourselves, but most other couples as well. Interesting.

There’s a spot in the journey of faith that sometimes feels like a black hole. It generally occurs sometime between first “seeing the light” and then seeing the fulfillment of the thing we had faith for in the first place.

I was just reading Hebrews 11, the chapter where we get an overview of our Biblical ancestors and their tremendous faith. Abraham, Noah, Moses, etc.

Take Noah. I read the story. God tells him to build an ark because God’s going to send a flood. Noah builds the ark. God sends a flood and Noah and his family are the only human beings to survive. End of story. And I’m amazed at Noah’s unwavering faith…and then wonder why I struggle so much in mine.

But I breeze through the story in a matter of minutes and consequently, I overlook the fact that the whole process actually took many, many years. After all, the ark had to hold a boatload (pun intended) of animals. That was no minor building project.

There must have been days when Noah wondered if he heard God right. There must have been moments when he felt completely overwhelmed by the task at hand. There must have been times when he just couldn’t imagine a flood happening the way God said it would. There must have been days when the mocking of his neighbors really got to him.

But Noah pressed on because he had faith in God. He held on to what God told him–he didn’t doubt in the dark what he had seen in the light. Having the questions aren’t the problem. The problem comes when we put our trust in our circumstances and not in God.

I’m struck by the sarcasm and negativity in my recent posts and it’s gotten me thinking. The bottom line is that I’m struggling. I’m struggling with balance. My soul is thirsty and I’m neglecting it. I’m feeling spiritually dry and disconnected from God. I told a friend the other day that it seems there are too many things vying for my attention and I’m so easily distracted. There is just way too much on my plate at the moment. But I’m not sure what to get rid of. And the thought of getting back on track is a bit overwhelming. My prayer is not “God, help me to get back on track” but “God, help me to want to get back on track.” I’m just so weary.