Marriage According to Amy

October 11, 2005

So, apparently the Young Singles group at our church is coming over to our house in a few weeks to talk about dating, courtship and marriage. It’s amazing. The titles “Pastor & Pastor’s Wife” have made us experts in so many things. I love it. We know completely nothing and then all of the sudden someone says, “Meet the pastor and his wife” and BAM! people think we know a whole lotta stuff. Trippy.

Anyway, so the group is coming to our house and we’re gonna tell ‘em what’s up when you’re a young twentysomething lookin’ to tie the knot. I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit and so I thought I’d share with you my thoughts—for two reasons. First, if I’m totally high, I know you all will tell me so. Second, if you’ve got anything to add, I’d be totally stoked because it’ll make me look that much smarter.

So, here’s what I got so far:

Number 1. Deal with your crap.
Number 2. Don’t marry a loser.

(That’s right. I’m the pastor’s wife and I just said crap. And I will say it many more times in this post. Hey, Paul said it—in the Bible, no less. Phil. 3:something. It’s usually translated “dung” but knowing Paul, I bet he actually used a word more equivalent to our “S” word. I have my limits though, you know. After all, I am the pastor’s wife.)

Anyway, let me recap:

Number 1. Deal with your crap.
Number 2. Don’t marry a loser.

I’ve tried and tried to come up with something more eloquent, but alas, something more profound totally escapes me. (It ain’t the first time.) I really feel those two things pretty much sum it up.

Here’s how I plan to elaborate:

Deal with your crap. It may come as a shocker to you, but you ain’t all that. Contrary to what you think, you are not Mr. or Miss Right. No, you’ve got crap and the quicker you recognize and admit it, the better the world will be. It’s nothing to be ashamed of nor are you the only one who’s got issues. We’ve all got crap. It just is my friends.

(By the way, when I was a young twentysomething lookin’ to tie the knot, this was particularly difficult for me come to terms with. I really, honestly, in my heart of hearts thought, felt and believed I was all that and a bag of chips.)

Crap comes in all shapes and sizes. In general, I define crap as the pain which comes from yours or someone else’s sin. That pain, in turn, makes you do, say and think things that are, well…either sinful or just plain stupid. I don’t know how else to say it. So, figure out what your crap is and get rid of it.

Next, realize that you will acquire new crap as time goes on and until you die so commit now to adopting an attitude of “Crap is not good and whenever I find myself with more, I will rid myself of it as soon as possible.”

Don’t marry a loser. This one seems like a no-brainer, but I am constantly amazed at how many people marry losers. And perhaps the term “loser” is a bit strong but I use it because it’s punchy. When I say loser I’m not referring to the terrorists, serial killers and pathological liars of the world. When I say “Don’t marry a loser, ” I mean, DON’T MARRY SOMEONE YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO MARRY. Again, a no-brainer, right? You’d think so, but it’s amazing how quickly common sense goes out the window when someone (1) thinks their biological clock is ticking loudly, (2) just found the “perfect” wedding dress despite not having a groom, (3) is getting constantly interrogated by well-meaning (whatever) friends and relatives with questions like “When are you going to settle down?”, (4) can’t stand the fact that their ex has clearly moved on, as evidenced by his/her recent $10,000,000 wedding, (5) has been a bridesmaid not 3 times but so many times she’s lost count, (6) suddenly has pangs for parenthood, (7) has already become a parent and is riddled with guilt that the kid is growing up without a mother/father, (8) wants to buy a house but needs someone else’s good credit rating, (9) is convinced there is just no other good men/women left in the world so “I’d better just take the next available one that comes along.” I could go on, but you get my point. Oh yeah, one more thing. If you’re a Christian in search of a mate, remember this formula: Not Saved = Not An Option. Period.

Anyway, I’m running out of steam and I’m getting a little tired standing up here on my soap box. Besides, I now have to go live vicariously through the people racing around the world on The Amazing Race. I want so badly to be a participant on that show but I can’t because I’m too afraid of what sort of ugly, unbecoming behavior would most inevitably leak out in the heat of the battle for that 1 million bucks. It’s just my crap. I’m working on it.

Category: Love, Marriage

Comments

17 Responses to “Marriage According to Amy”

  1. Kelly
    October 11th, 2005 @ 10:14 pm

    I love reading your blogs… :)
    I watched Amazing Race tonite and I agree with you - I KNOW I would display poor behavior if I were put in that position… or at the very lease I would collapse in a breathless sweat the first day! LOL!

  2. Dennis
    October 12th, 2005 @ 10:44 am

    Relevant magazine had an outstanding article on advice to a 20-something. Unfortunately, it’s not in the current issue. If you know anyone who reads it, it’s the one with Moby on the cover. I just wish I wasn’t 31 and four years into my marriage when I read it…

  3. julie
    October 12th, 2005 @ 4:06 pm

    Stress that “not a christian thing”. When you’re approaching 30 and all your friends are married and there are no guys you’re interested in in the singles group, and everyone wants to set you up with somebody, the inevitable happens and you start “evangelistic dating”. I ask my friends if they are willing to take that kind of gamble with their future and their children.
    I think it’s wonderful you are doing this!!!! God has given you a lot of wisdom. :)

  4. julie
    October 12th, 2005 @ 4:09 pm

    one more thing…i’ve been learning is that marriage is not to fulfull your needs, but to make you more like Christ. Anyone whose been married for a while will understand that! And if you can get over yourself (like you said) and live fully submitted and committed to Christ and your mate, God will bless your marriage, I’m convinced of it. See The Sacred Marriage (I forget the author.).

  5. cmhl
    October 13th, 2005 @ 9:16 am

    excellent post.

  6. Maiju
    October 13th, 2005 @ 10:28 am

    Julie, I agree with you. I think it should be said out loud that there isn’t going to be a single person that can fulfill your dreams of perfect husband/wife. If you are able to marry a man/woman of your dreams it’s the most certain thing that in some point you will be dissapointed with the person because we humans can’t fulfill each others. Everyone should be ready to face that fact. it helps to realize it before hand.

    Amazing race is the only real tv program I like to watch. it would be so much fun to take part in it.

  7. Andrea
    October 13th, 2005 @ 11:24 am

    Sex is for after marriage. When my husband and I got married our wedding day kiss was the first time we kissed eachother. While we were engaged we set a limit of not kissing and not having sex (not as much of a DUH as it should be). We did not fail at that, but we did wish we had set our limit a little lower, like nothing more than hugging. I always told him, I never knew being rubbed on the cheek by a nose could feel so good. TMI. Anyway. Set limits for physical activity and save sex for marriage (being engaged doesn’t count as marriage).

  8. Joye
    October 13th, 2005 @ 1:52 pm

    This is great. Thanks for being real and for using the word crap. I hope you don’t mind if I copy this post and share it with my 18 and 22 yr old girls. It’s something they should hear. Unfortunately, I passed my crap on to them before getting rid of it. Anyway, thanks.

  9. Jeff
    October 14th, 2005 @ 8:57 pm

    What a great surprise to hear the pastor’s wife use the word crap. Being a pastor myself I used the word once in a sermon to draw a point. The idea behind it was to prove that the listener was far more offended/interested in the fact that I used the word crap than the fact that their neighbor was possibly going to be lost for eternity if they did not speak the love of Christ to them.
    As far as the advising the 20 somethings about marriage and dating I believe you have hit the nail on the head as they say. Very good. Deal with your crap and don’t marry a loser. One thing I would add is that this is true for life in general, that is, deal with your crap and don’t hang out with losers. Press on toward the goal.

  10. Angela
    October 15th, 2005 @ 4:10 pm

    Excellent post! Amazing how people expect that you have great expertise when you become pastor and wife! I am constantly asked to counsel with rebellious teens, single ladies, etc., etc. It never ceases to amaze me at how wise I have become in just four months! HA! Thank God His word that gives me the right response.

  11. truevyne
    October 15th, 2005 @ 8:10 pm

    Amy,
    I narrowly escaped Johnson Bridal College without my M.R.S. degree. My mother innocently called my school Johnson’s Vacation Bible School..geeeee.
    My best marital advice? When your spouse is out of control, the next words out of your mouth should be “What can I do to help?” It will always save the day.
    In my 17 years of experience, I’ve tried a plethora of other approaches such as: “What about ME?”,”How can you be such a jerk?” , “Get over it.” “It’s your fault.” These NEVER work.

  12. Andrea
    October 15th, 2005 @ 8:34 pm

    truevyne,
    That’s really good. I need to do that. A gentle answer turns away wrath, right.

  13. Flower
    January 5th, 2006 @ 2:39 pm

    This was the most refreshing article from a Pastor’s Wife I have ever read. It kept my attention and got the point across. I was attracted to this because I will soon be a Pastor’s Wife, we marry in April of 06. Thanks this lightens my mind. Great Article.

  14. Amy
    January 5th, 2006 @ 3:10 pm

    Thanks Flower. God’s blessings on your upcoming marriage. (And I hope the wedding is a great kick-off!)

  15. Carrie
    March 10th, 2006 @ 11:11 pm

    I had a little thing to add…..granted this is way after the fact…..I just thought I would add it anyway! :)
    In Proverbs 12:4 it says “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”

    In my new spirit filled life Bible it elaborates:

    Crowns realte to wisdom. A crown excircles the head. It originates from a word that means “to encircle (for attack or protection).” Wisdom, in effect, surrounds and protects the mind and brings honor to the “head” of one who has it. This verse declares that godly woman also is a crown to her husband. When she is received as God’s gift, her husband will benefit from God’s wisdom through her, much as Abraham did from Sarah (see Gen 21:12). The husband of such a woman will be “known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land” (Prov 31:23). The woman who cultivates her relationship with God first, then relates appropriately with her husband, will powerfully influence him in every area of his life.

    My point is this….

    In order to have any romantic relationship work, leading to marriage or not, God must always be first. Yes, we were put on this earth to love. But, love is a fleshly desire as is the desire to be loved. For we have always been loved. To need that recognition from anyone but God is a fleshly desire. I’m not saying love is a bad thing. But I believe love is a choice. You make the choice that no matter what the circumstances, you will not stop loving, caring for and standing for your chosen spouse. This is even when the feelings of love fade. The rush of love from the “honeymood period” fades….I know it is sad, but it’s true. If there is a relationship where two people do not know who they are in Christ and put the Lord first, they will not be able to relate and the relationship will suffer.

    Again, not saying love is a bad thing. I am in love and it’s great!! But, my point is that love is a choice. Even when it’s hard, you have to choose to show love. When you’re upset, show love. When times are hard and things are rough, show love. Defeat, discouragement, and any other negative feelings supplied by the devil can be beaten down easily in a relationship when God is put first and love is always shown.

    If there are any comments or anything, I would love to hear them and talk more about any topic. You can check out my xanga account at xanga.com (qtcurlycarrie is my username) or myspace.com/qtcurlycarrie

    on both sites you can send me private messages. I would love to hear any comments, additions or what ever you may have!!

    Thank you, and God Bless!!

  16. Carrie
    March 10th, 2006 @ 11:11 pm

    oh, and a head’s up…..I tend to talk a lot, so my comments are long….sorry if you can’t stand my rambling!!! hahaha :)

  17. Rachelle
    August 15th, 2007 @ 9:13 am

    Is it really possible to “deal” with all or most of your crap before getting married? Why can’t my husband help me get rid of it? I grew up in a very unhealthy home. I know that I don’t want to make the same mistakes that my parents did, yet I feel like their sin will always effect me no matter how old I am. I know I can choose to live a different life, and I am, but I can’t erase the memories that they gave me. I’m 23 and have been married for a year. My husband, while not perfect, has shown me so much of Christ’s healing love… I think our inability to deal with our own crap (when it is too much for one person to bear) allows God to show how great he is and how he can make beauty out of crap. I believe in a powerfully redemptive God, who can do far more than I could ever do on my own. Sometimes, I’m afraid to have kids (we don’t have any yet) b/c I don’t want to pass my crap on to them (although I love children). I will do my best not to, but I think ultimately, I need to trust that God will take care of my family and guide my children.

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