Soul searching

June 21, 2006

Blogging is a funny thing. I suppose it serves a different purpose for each blogger, but if I had to explain why I blog I think I’d describe it this way: I voluntarily expose my life to the world in the hopes that someone out there might identify with my experience and gain some sort of personal value from it.

Well, exposing one’s life often comes at a cost. For bloggers, one of those costs can be the feedback from others which isn’t always easy to hear. Case in point:

Carolin P. wrote the following comment in response to this post:

Unlike the others, I think that is a terrible thing to say.

Is it too much to maybe read something spiritually uplifting here once in a while? Pray for a little more Godly self-esteem so you can stop using your lack thereof as an excuse to spew misery.

Reading that comment has launched me into some serious soul-searching the last several days.

Now, I should start out by saying that I’m not a huge fan of Carolin’s delivery. I wasn’t exactly feelin’ the love. I mean, I’m always open to a gentle rebuke. It was definitely a rebuke. But gentle? Not so much.

Anyway, I initially felt stung and out of my hurt, came up with about a dozen not-so-gentle things I’d really like to say to her in response. But of course, that’s not the best idea (although it would feel pretty good).

But once I worked through all of that, I decided this would be a good opportunity to take a good look at The State of Me.

So, I asked my husband if he thought there was any merit to what she said. He said he thinks I can come across as a little bitter at times. OK. I can see that. I can especially see how that would be true when the reader is unable to see my nonverbals, can’t hear my intonation and/or doesn’t know me personally. Blogging is really unidimensional in that way. (Holy smokes, I just surprised myself with that $10 word. I don’t think I’ve ever used that word before in my life and it just popped right into my head. How about that.) But I’d like to add that how I come across is not the crux of the issue. The question is not “Do I come across as bitter?” but “Am I bitter?” Hmmmm. I’d better ponder that.

Anyway, I couldn’t talk about it with my husband extensively because I was starting to feel a little defensive. And when I get defensive, it generally isn’t pretty. So, that’s as far as we got.

And I’ve asked God if there’s any merit to Carolin’s comment too. This is one of those times I really wish God would just shoot me an email (Like, “Dear Amy, yes she’s right. Repent.” or “Dear Amy, she’s so wrong and you are so very, very right.”), but I’ve got the Bible and since that’s His Word, it’s just as good as an email. (It’d still be cool to get an email from God once though….especially if in it, He tells me I’m right.)

Anyway, after all the hashing and rehashing and thinking and pondering, the bottom line is this: Do I reflect Christ?

I don’t know the answer exactly, but I’m pretty sure it’s partly yes and partly no. I think there are times when I do and I’m quite certain there are times when I don’t. It’s those times when I don’t that need sorting out.

So back to her comment. Objectively, I think there was some exaggeration on her part. For example, if she’s read my blog for an extended period of time, I don’t think she would say I’ve never written anything “spiritually uplifting.” And I can see how it seems I have zero self-esteem, but I know that’s not the truth either. And about “spew[ing] misery.” Perhaps I do that and I don’t see it (as my husband suggested), but I do think it was a little overstated. I certainly don’t feel miserable, although I do admit, life as a Pastor’s Wife feels very hard at times.

I am often sarcastic and pessimistic and generally a bit intense in my self-analysis. So, I have to determine if each of those things is a personality trait or a sinful attitude (or something else). If they’re part of who I am, I have to determine if I sin in my handling of them. I find it’s a tricky balance to maintain…that is, being true to myself and true to God’s truth at the same time. The lines get a little (OK a lot) blurred for me there.

But take heart. I’ll figure it out someday. It may not be on this side of heaven, but someday, I will. figure. it out.

Category: Deep Thoughts

Comments

21 Responses to “Soul searching”

  1. joannmski
    June 21st, 2006 @ 2:29 pm

    Oh, brother. Give me a break.

    I wouldn’t worry too much about that comment. I think it is clear, you are living the life of ministry, and serving God faithfully. Obviously there is a great deal of faith, and servanthood, and love that you give on a daily basis. Sometimes, however, a person needs to crack a joke. Those who can’t take a joke are the ones whose spirituality and self esteem I worry about.

    If we as Christians are going to really connect, and let down the barriers, we will see that life is not all goodness and sunshine. Especially as Pastor’s Wives, we can appreciate having both a voice and an escape from judgement. Don’t be bullied by the goody goody blog police. Just be yourself, it’s a great self.

  2. Anita
    June 21st, 2006 @ 2:42 pm

    Yeah, I think she totally didn’t get the joke in that post.

    Never-the-less, it is good to examine our motives from time to time. It’s so easy to be tempted away from what is true and good.

    And joanmski is right, you gotta just be you, irreguardless of what other people say. Life is tough and it’s worse to put on a fake smile when things aren’t so good.

  3. Jessica
    June 21st, 2006 @ 3:16 pm

    Hey, I am a pastor’s wife and I really enjoy reading your very honest blog. This is the way it is. We are the pastors family… we are not some superspiritual mutants. We have bad days, weeks, etc… I am so sick of this. I am a Christian, but I am human too. Sorry, had to vent. Please examine yourself as Paul instructs, but continue to be honest on your blog.

  4. B
    June 21st, 2006 @ 3:54 pm

    Not sure what this says about me, but I think your posts are often spiritually uplifting. Not in the obvious, “what the Lord said to me in my daily three-hour long quiet time in my prayer closet” type of way, but in a “my life is permeated by faith way.”

  5. Caroline
    June 21st, 2006 @ 3:55 pm

    One of the reasons I love your blog is because it’s not all ’spiritually uplifting’. What I mean to say is, I have a Pastor and a church. Therein I am fed. I don’t come here looking for a devotion, or another uppity PW who thinks she’s God’s gift to the ailing world. I come here to relax and laugh. You are first and foremost a wife and mother who also happens to be a PW, this provides a perspective on life that I can appreciate and relate to. Thanks.

  6. Caroline
    June 21st, 2006 @ 3:58 pm

    And also …

    I voluntarily expose my life to the world in the hopes that someone out there might identify with my experience and gain some sort of personal value from it.

    I failed to mention clearly that yes, I do ‘gain some sort of peronal value from it.’ :-)

  7. Caroline
    June 21st, 2006 @ 4:00 pm

    Ah .. that would be “personal value”

    Sheesh. Copy, paste, Caroline. Copy, paste.

  8. crickl's nest
    June 21st, 2006 @ 9:32 pm

    Your ultimate response, I must say, is very spiritually mature, Amy. To look at someone (who did not even leave an email address to write back to) who bashed your writing and step back to examine yourself like that is a very positive, uplifting, encouraging response. My mouth just dropped when I saw your post on this…..I hope I can have the same attitude when things like that happen to me. So thank you…

    And I agree with the others, there is no reason to change the way you write. It’s your personality to be a little sassy….I never have viewed it as bitterness, btw, because I can be the same way….especially as a pastor’s wife.

    I can tell that you absolutely love Jesus, your husband, your family, the church and that you are very insightful and thoughtful in your writing. Being sassy just makes it more fun to read….it’s artistic. lol

    Love your blog, relate with your struggles, laughing with your sassiness!

    Christie

  9. A.n.t.
    June 21st, 2006 @ 10:59 pm

    I’m afraid too many suffer from this problem. We can be so intent and focused on something(the tree) that is right in front of our face which can distort our view of life–that we forget to step back and take in the WHOLE picture and ENJOY the beauty of the entire forest. What a waste! Write on—your blog is encouraging, honest and delightful. Your writing is a wonderful gift—use it.

  10. Belyn
    June 22nd, 2006 @ 11:14 pm

    I too am a minister’s wife and I come here often to read what you have to say. Some people perceive the life of ministers, deacons, elders and their spouses to speak on in thees and thous. We are more that the sum total of those words. Keep on blogging and know that there are those of us who understand, enjoy, relate and find true value in what you have to say.

  11. Allison
    June 22nd, 2006 @ 11:56 pm

    Amy,

    I’m just grateful to come across an honest portrayal of the inside of a PW’s life. I’m sick to death of the “Proverbs 31″ image that most expect us all to have (which, I think we all will admit, we feel like we can never quite measure up to!) Thanks for the much-needed laughter and the feeling of finally being understood that your blog inspires!

  12. Alida
    June 23rd, 2006 @ 12:51 pm

    Amy, I was so grateful to finally find a blog where I could see a pastor’s wife being real.

    Keep on being you because you truly are a blessing to many!
    Alida

  13. Schoolmarm32
    June 23rd, 2006 @ 6:35 pm

    I’ve been reading your blog for awhile (never commented yet), but I have to say that if you were always “spewing misery” I wouldn’t still be reading it.

    I think you are wise to as God if you are being bitter and see if an unwanted source/comment might have something to teach you–but the Lord will let you know if you cross the line. You are being honest and examining your motives in God’s light. He will honor that.

    I find your blog insightful and refreshing.

  14. Traci
    June 24th, 2006 @ 1:14 am

    Amy,
    Don’t beat yourself over the head. I appreciate your honesty and find it uplifting that when I was a pastors’ wife, I wasn’t the only one feeling some of the things I felt. I think that Carolin may encounter some things along the road in ministry that may change her attitude a bit and help her to understand where you’re coming from. I was like her once. I’ve found that most every pastors’ wife and her spouse have to go through being crushed and shaped and molded again…to be refined. It’s part of the painful process of becoming like Jesus and turning into ‘gold.’ Thank you for your honesty.

  15. Carolin P.
    June 24th, 2006 @ 4:57 pm

    Why is it that, as Christians, we have to create a “ministry” for every single situation and role we find ourselves in? The Bible speaks of the shephard, never about the shephards wife and what her role may be. The Bible instructs us as Christian women, wives and mothers -period, because that’s a job and-a-half by itself. Yes, being the pastors wife comes with expectations from others…but maybe the bulk of those expectations come from things of the world and the traditions of man (i.e., the title “First Lady” implies a lot).

    For goodness sake, let’s all take a more simpler, organic approach to being the wife of a pastor. I get the feeling that, in her attempt to be “not the typical Pastors wife” that Amy, and so many other wives of pastors, have actually in some way built up this PW thing to be bigger than it is, and from reading through this blog, I sense that, in general, she feels inadequate and insecure about her job and her performance…which might breed the hint of bitterness and anxiety I detect. I don’t see her comment about throwing the bad ones back as being a clever or cute thing for any follower of Christ to say, whether you’re a pastors wife or not. I have been “bad” many times. I am in no way expecting a goody goody blog from any true follower of Christ -that’s silly, but I still believe that that specific comment (and many others) reeks of this overly judgemental* and pessimistic attitude that Amy seems to have somewhat embraced and accepted…and everyone else seems to be rooting her on in it.

    *(I would hope that I could at least feel a bit more assured that a sister-in-Christ would not be secretly comparing what I’m wearing to what she’s wearing…but maybe that’s too much to ask of Christianity in America).

    I have no problem leaving an email address either..it is c.purchard@yahoo.com.

  16. Jaime
    June 26th, 2006 @ 3:40 am

    Amy,

    I just ran across your blog for the first time tonight and have spent several hours poring over your blog site. I wasn’t going to comment this soon, but I felt I it appropriate at this point to let you know that in general, I appreciate your candor and your wit.

    I [heart] your attitude problem, if, in fact, it truly is a problem. I dunno. Is it? Well then. I [heart] your attitude.

    I appreciate your human-ness and lack of attempt to sugar coat the truth of our very earthly existance.

    [Dealing with my own issues...]

  17. Joyce
    June 27th, 2006 @ 5:10 pm

    Carolin P., thanks for coming back and reiterating what you meant.
    In my 40-some years of experience as a pw, not to mention my life as a pk, it isn’t as much what we expect of ourselves as a pw, but often it’s what we are forced to expect of ourselves, by how our congregation views who we are and lets us know who THEY think we ought to be. True; we shouldn’t care what they think (?!?), but no one wants to distract from ministry by being less than we should be. It doesn’t usually dawn on us in the beginning, that what THEY want us to be is not what GOD made us to be …. HE made us who we ARE.
    I won’t bore you with my story of how it finally “dawned on me” that Mrs. C had no idea who I should be! Only God and my husband are important enough to me, to be what they want of me — and in pleasing the two of them, I have my hands full. :o)
    Then it “dawned on me,” that if I please Mrs. C, then Mrs. T might dislike me. And If it’s Mrs. T that I please, it’s just as likely that Mrs. M will not be pleased.
    My goal since that day has been to please GOD and then my husband. I’m saddened when that displeases Mrs. C, M or T, but it’s no longer important to me to change for them. Only for God. And if I’m really pleasing God, my husband is also pleased with who and what I am.
    This was so freeing to me!

  18. Amy
    July 6th, 2006 @ 3:56 pm

    I just found your blog, and I find it very interesting because I am a pastor’s kid myself. I know firsthand how stressful it can be, and how the social expectations can be burdensome. More so on the wife than the kids, even.

    I find it interesting that Carol-whoever seems to expect your blog to be spiritual, why? Because you’re a pastor’s wife? Therefore you must be all “the Lord was leading me” and “the Lord revealed to me during prayer” and “Praise God for the new pair of socks we bought Johnny”? Please.

    I think it’s great that you’re keeping a blog and being real, and showing your readers that pastor’s wives are real people too, with all the same anxieties, insecurities, and hard times as the rest of us. If I were you, I’d tell Carol to stuff it! But then, maybe I’m just not spiritual enough. ;-)

  19. Kathryn
    July 18th, 2006 @ 12:02 am

    You mentioned that you would like to get an email from God every once in awhile. Good news: you have something even better, the presence and Holy Spirit of God Himself dwelling in you! You can let Him speak to you, as I’m sure you already know. We hear Him with the “inner ears” that Jesus spoke about (”He that hath ears to hear”). That’s much better than an email.

  20. Lucinda
    July 23rd, 2006 @ 7:22 pm

    I thought your post was honest. I cannot understand why people not only expect a lot out of preacher’s wives, but they expect them to be perfect. I’m sorry but I have feelings just like everybody else. I have been a PK growing up and over 30 years as a pastor’s wife. The last year as been the most difficult of my life dealing with people. Not only do people have high expectations, but some are just mean when they verbalize it to you. Where is the love in Christianity today? Can’t anyone ever say, I understand. Why do we have to condemm and give recipes on how to be better Christians. Are there any other humans out there?

  21. My
    May 30th, 2007 @ 5:10 pm

    This is a year late but the ‘throw a few back’ cracked me up. I’d like to do that with a few pastors also-Lord, bless them. Being holy doesn’t always look HOLY and looking HOLY isn’t always the real thing.

Leave a Reply